Josh- a emotional phone call home

Well, today started off good. I woke up happy, with a lot of energy. How nice! :) Then the counselor in my unit had to send over a sergeant to get me out of my cell so I can talk to my mom. Since I had a death in the family, I was able to make a phone call home. Phone calls are strictly prohibited in the lockdown unit I'm in. But like I said, because of the death in the family I was allowed to receive one. Well, they brought me into the counselor's office in handcuffs and called my mom for me. And I was so happy because I haven't talked to her in many many months. But then they said it would have to be on the speaker phone and I was instantly angry. This is about the most personal a phone call could get and a very emotional time for my mother, and I had to allow these strangers to listen to my mother's pain. How useless and f-ing wrong this was. But I went along with their rules and talked on the speaker phone. So much I wanted to say to her! I knew it was going to happen and it did... she started to cry. I wish I could have given her a hug and a kiss. This was probably the worst I have ever felt. How helpless I felt! I could have talked a lot longer and would have loved to, but once she started to cry, I had to end the phone call. These two strangers didn't have the right to hear my beautiful mother cry and I couldn't stomach the thought of them invading such a personal and private moment. So now I'm really bummed out because I miss my mom so much. Wish I was out to make her smile. Yes, even convicts with tattoos are momma boys! :) She told me she was doing good but I don't think that's really true. I could hear the pain in her voice. Man, I feel like shit. I'll probably write her a long letter tonight.

So, well, I guess if anyone is interested in what it's like dealing with death in the family then this is perfect. It is plain and simply f---ed!