Monday, June 15, 2009

Josh- a emotional phone call home


Well, today started off good. I woke up happy, with a lot of energy. How nice! :) Then the counselor in my unit had to send over a sergeant to get me out of my cell so I can talk to my mom. Since I had a death in the family, I was able to make a phone call home. Phone calls are strictly prohibited in the lockdown unit I'm in. But like I said, because of the death in the family I was allowed to receive one. Well, they brought me into the counselor's office in handcuffs and called my mom for me. And I was so happy because I haven't talked to her in many many months. But then they said it would have to be on the speaker phone and I was instantly angry. This is about the most personal a phone call could get and a very emotional time for my mother, and I had to allow these strangers to listen to my mother's pain. How useless and f-ing wrong this was. But I went along with their rules and talked on the speaker phone. So much I wanted to say to her! I knew it was going to happen and it did... she started to cry. I wish I could have given her a hug and a kiss. This was probably the worst I have ever felt. How helpless I felt! I could have talked a lot longer and would have loved to, but once she started to cry, I had to end the phone call. These two strangers didn't have the right to hear my beautiful mother cry and I couldn't stomach the thought of them invading such a personal and private moment. So now I'm really bummed out because I miss my mom so much. Wish I was out to make her smile. Yes, even convicts with tattoos are momma boys! :) She told me she was doing good but I don't think that's really true. I could hear the pain in her voice. Man, I feel like shit. I'll probably write her a long letter tonight.

So, well, I guess if anyone is interested in what it's like dealing with death in the family then this is perfect. It is plain and simply f---ed!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Excerpt from Josh's letter... possible transfer, and inside all the time!

Well, I went to a hearing again yesterday and they once again put me up for transfer back to Tehachapi Maximum security yard. It's going to be months before I get sent there, though. I can't wait to get out of this hot place and somewhere nicer. For the last couple of weeks the air conditioning has been going off and on every day and when it goes off it's miserable in our cells, which we are in all day. Yesterday I was allowed to go to yard for the first time in over two months. For an hour. It was beautiful to get some sun but sucked because I was the only one out there and it sucks not having anyone to talk to. Here where I am they took away our group yards *which is when you go out with other cells of your own race) and installed cages that we will have to go to yard in. Talk about being caged up like animals! :-) In the unit I'm in we don't get too much interaction with other inmates besides our cellies. We do adjust to this isolation, and we get used to it. I get real irritable sometimes because I love to joke around with people and enjoy myself. So being in a cell 24 hours a day ruins all of the things that make me happy.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Josh on Holidays and Birthdays in Prison


A birthday spent in prison has its benefits and its downfalls. Just like on holidays. For some, it's just another day where no mail is passed out. for others, it's a day to get together with the fellas and hang out. You can usually tell which people have been down for a long time and which ones just came to prison by what they do and how they act on holidays and birthdays. The ones who have been around in prison forawhile usually pay no attention to the days which all of the free world celebrates. They go on with their daily activities as any other day. Then you have the new people who dwell on being in here for these days. Not wanting to interact with anyone and totally mierable. I personally try to live holidays and birthdays as I do all other days. To dwell on the things you have no control of onl makes your time go by harder and slower. I do think of my family on these days and I'm not sad because I'm in here. This is the life I have dealth myself and I have to be a man and accept responsibility for what I have done. Even if that means I can't spend these specials days with my family. When we are on a yard that has a normal program that isn't on lockdown, we come out onto the yard and hang out with the only fammily we have here: brothers of our race! We all pay each other respect and wish each other happy birthdays, etc. Some might think this place is full of hard core criminals who are evil, but that is a lie the government puts on us to make us all look like sexual predators, etc. We are a family in here and we treat each other with respect and love. Now there are murderers and people like that in here, but most are here for petty crimes. So on days such as birthdays and holidays we get together and enjoy each other's company. So most of us replace our famly's company on holidays and share each other's company in here. And on birthdays we draw cards and pass them along for everyone to sign and it always makes that person's birthday worth smiling over. So some things such on these days and some things make it better. All in all, it is what it is and we have to make the best of it.